urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning sacred_mourning sacred_mourning 2007-03-21T05:01:43Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:4270 2007-03-21T05:01:43Z 2007-03-21T05:01:43Z Hey ladies... changed my journal over to simplyren<br /><br />Comment on the original entry and I'll add you over... just trying to move away from the idea of always being shrouded in grief. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:4033 2006-12-01T06:23:17Z 2006-12-01T06:23:17Z ...rules me when it comes to these damned things.<br /><br /><center><br /><br /> <a href="http://www.seductiveshorts.com/#goods/quiz"><br /><br /> <img src="http://www.seductiveshorts.com/images/blogs/tantric_master.gif" border="0" /><br /><br /> </a><br /><br /></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:3623 2006-11-17T16:51:40Z 2006-11-17T16:51:40Z ...my first punky momma swap package!!!<br /><br />I got all sorts of kitchen-y cooking things - like spoons and a veggie peeler and a cheese grater. I'm so excited about them, since until now, I only had one wooden spoon for the new house. So, now I'm prepared to cook something good to eat! I just need groceries now... and a refrigerator to put them in. *giggles*<br /><br />I also got a new sketch bad and paint brushes!!! I can feel the creativity flowing!<br /><br />So, to my sweet swap partner, THANK YOU!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:3406 2006-11-16T17:09:31Z 2006-11-16T17:09:31Z ...that I start rebuilding my library again. I used to have a huge collection of books, but G somehow ended up with all of them in the split. So, I've been trolling Amazon and thinking about putting together a lust list. I just don't know whether to start replacing my classics, or my fantasy stuff, or start buying Laurel K. Hamilton and worry about the rest later.<br /><br />I'm such a book nerd!<br /><br />I think when it comes down to it, I'm going to start replacing my Kate Chopin stuff first. She's my favorite author, and I love everything that she has ever written. Definitely a rebel in her time - writing about sex and affairs and sultry Creole society. Plus, she's one of the few classic novelists that I can stand. <br /><br />I do love to read the classics, and push my brain to comprehend the books, but authors like Dickinson are so maddening with their writing!<br /><br />I can always replace my Harry Potter, Wheel of Time, and Anita Blake stuff later. They're easy to find, and more reading for enjoyment than betterment.<br /><br />So... that's my goal re-build my reading list and start buying books until my bookcases are filled again! Well, maybe not that many books. I only ever buy the ones that I love to read over and over, and check the rest out at the library.<br /><br />Ok... enough writing for now. I'm trying to get myself moved, and I haven't really started packing yet. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:3175 2006-11-15T07:20:32Z 2006-11-15T07:20:32Z ...I turned you down because you have small penises and even smaller brains.<br /><br />Seriously, what was with all the fucking booty calls this weekend? I had guys that I haven't dated in <b>years</b> call looking for a piece. And who the fuck makes a booty call and uses the phrase "you're young, fertile, and sexy"... and actually expects the woman not to laugh???<br /><br />Ungh... thank god for D&D on Saturday nights. It gave me an excuse to turn my phone off. <br /><br />In other news, my secret swap partner is my new favorite person, as are all the other D&D geek mama's that I've found. Usually I start talking about characters and game mechanics, and people give me that blnak stare. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:2881 2006-11-09T07:12:14Z 2006-11-09T07:12:14Z ...all my dnd playin lady friends.<br /><br /><div style="background-color:#555; color:#eee; padding:8px 16px;border:8px #000 outset; width:60%; font-family:helvetica, sans-serif; text-align:center"><h3 style="color:#fe0; background-color:#777; padding:8px; margin:0px">I escaped from the Dungeon of Sacred Mourning!</h3><p>I killed Agent Sweets the mind flayer.</p><p>I looted the Armour of Music, the Dagger of Mother Rising, the Dagger of Traveling, the Sword of Video Games, the Sceptre of Movies, a Figurine of Rakestraw23, the Wand of History, the Armour of Internet, the Axe of Ami the Cat and 42 gold pieces.</p><p style="color:#fe0; background-color:#777; padding:8px">Score: <b>117</b></p><a href="http://thesurrealist.co.uk/dungeon?user=sacred_mourning" style="color:#fe0;">Explore the Dungeon of Sacred Mourning</a> and try to beat this score,<br>or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...<form action="http://thesurrealist.co.uk/dungeon" method="get"><input type="text" name="user" style="background: #fff url(http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) no-repeat scroll 0px 1px; padding-left: 18px; color: rgb(0, 0, 204); font-weight: bold;"><input type="submit" value="Go"></form></div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:2649 2006-11-07T06:44:32Z 2006-11-07T06:44:32Z ...I'll be moving into my own place again, and I thank god that I'll be getting out of my parents house.<br /><br />Now I just need things for said new place.<br /><br />What else... since I've been neglecting to ride. (Shame on me!)<br /><br />The holidays are fast approaching and I'm excited about baking. I'm also still looking for a good place to buy new paint brushes and some oil paints. My artistic juices have been flowing, and I have no outlet! How sad - my sketchbook is full, I have no brushes or water color paper, and I really want to paint some scene in oil paints.<br /><br />I'm getting used to working again, and it's helping me not be so depressed all the time. Though, I still have the overwhelming urge to have another baby... or hold mine.<br /><br />Oh! And I have a date Friday night and a dilemna! I'm going out with this guy I met at the mall on Firday, and he's sweet and I want to give him a chance, but an old flame - whom I've never gotten over and we didn't really break up for any reason other than me not knowing about staying in PA or moving to FL - is back in my life and doing some hardcore flirting. I'm not sure what to do. I've loved M from the day we met and part of me still loves him, but I don't want to get ahead of myself and rule P out.<br /><br />Anyways... enough ranting for now - more later. I promise! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:2550 2006-10-23T16:51:47Z 2006-10-23T16:51:47Z ...go back to work. At least not yet. I'm sick to my stomach over today. I wish I could take more time off, but I have a car to pay for.<br /><br />I'm sick with anxiety. This is hard, and I feel like a part of me is going to leave Gavin behind.<br /><br />Can't I stay at home and keep painting and drawing? I need more sketchbooks, and I'm thinking about getting some canvases and oil paints. But, I need new brushes.<br /><br />Ungh... I really don't want to do this. Someone kick me in the ass, please? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:2258 2006-10-22T01:50:24Z 2006-10-22T01:50:24Z ...moving on, even if I don't want it to. Everytime that I leave the cemetary, I feel like I'm abandoning my baby there. Next week is going to be hard, since I'm going back to work. It's only going on three 3 weeks since I've lost him, and it feels like there's been a life time.<br /><br />But, my mommy friends have been amazing. Next weekend, I'm going to go to the Halloween party that we're planning. Baking goodies and making treat bags and dressing up and seeing everyone should be fun.<br /><br />I have some gift certificates, and I wanna ask J out to the OG for some pasta and just chat time. It's funny, she and I have only met a couple of times, but she feels so old hat in my life, like she's always been here as a friend. I just gotta wait to get my work schedule so I can ask... even though I'm basically letting the cat out of the bag now.<br /><br />I'm feeling very motivated to do something to raise awareness about SMA, in Gavin's memory, but I don't know how to direct that energy yet. Maybe I'll pick some mama brains and see what ideas they can help me come up with. Whatever it is that I start, I want it to be the beginning of a revolution. I just feel like there is so much progress that could be made, and nothing was done.<br /><br />Anyways, I'm rambling on about nothing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:1856 2006-10-15T17:07:26Z 2006-10-15T17:07:26Z ...whole being sick thing. I don't handle it well - I whine and get cranky.<br /><br />My main problem is that I'm so sick and haven't gotten to go see Boo Boo's grave in quite some time. I feel like he'll think that I've forgotten him. I know it's psychotic, but it's how my feelings work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:1569 2006-10-13T03:27:46Z 2006-10-13T03:33:53Z ...sent to me from a friend with explicit orders to join and post an introduction. I had no idea what the site was or what I was getting into. I just joined, posted, and started reading. What I found was a group of absolutely amazing mothers and fathers, people who have become like a giant extended family to me, and some damn good friends.<br /><br />I just wanted to post another thank you to these remarkable families. They raised a quarter of the cost of Gavin's headstone, and the money that they donated is what will garuantee that it will be set before the holidays are here.<br /><br />For the first time in 9 days, I've weeped for joy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:1507 2006-10-11T04:03:05Z 2006-10-11T04:03:05Z I won't be doing NaNoWriMo. I lost my muse, and all my characters that I have been fleshing out feel kinda lifeless. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:1233 2006-10-10T17:13:09Z 2006-10-10T17:13:09Z ...tell me that you're proud for the choices that I've made.<br /><br />I've heard those words entirely too many times in this past week. I don't know why anyone should feel proud of me. I made a series of horrible decisions, trying to choose the lesser of two evils.<br /><br />No mother should ever have to make such choices, and I just pray that the gods will understand my actions. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:904 2006-10-09T19:44:59Z 2006-10-09T19:46:36Z ...of a major depressive breakdown.<br /><br />My father is being the world's biggest asshole. <br /><br />Last Wednesday when we went to pay for Gavin's services, my Mom told him that she was paying for flowers, donating to our church for the pastor's services, and donating to the church that let us use their hall for a luncheon. She also let him know that she needed to buy him and my brother shoes, and she told him that she helped to pay for my clothes. When it was all said and done, she spent $400.00 - which he is now accusing her of stealing.<br /><br />He's flipping out, wanting to kick me out now that the baby is gone. He interrogates me several times a day, asking the same question over and over, and then flipping out when I finally snap at him. He bitches at me and about me constantly - I haven't done anything in the house in the past 2 almost 3 weeks, all I've done is mope around. He's even accused me of whoring around, the day after my son's funeral, when all I did was go out with a friend to get me out of the house.<br /><br />But, all of that is just the little knives he's been emotionally stabbing me with.<br /><br />The bastard had the nerve to say that the only person that loved him was dead and buried and that no one could understand his pain. <br /><br />HIS PAIN?!? I buried my son, and he wants to talk to me about his pain? I'm barely holding on, and I'm afraid of this all collapsing down around me. I cry for hours at a time time at a grave for a child that I should be holding. I ache physically, mentally, and emotionally from this loss, and he wants to tell me that my pain cannot possibly touch his? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sacred_mourning:409 2006-10-09T05:24:34Z 2006-10-09T06:16:42Z ... have passed since the day that my son was born. Looking back, it felt like a lifetime and still passed too quickly. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, get all those moments back, and make every minute even sweeter than it already was... but I can't. <br /><br />It's much to late for me to change things.<br /><br />You see, it's been 5 days, 10 hours, and 5 minutes since my beautiful little boy left this world, and I can't ever have him back... no matter how much I cry.